Bananzattack

Let’s make a pit-stop in the brain of Bananza. Here you’ll find the voice of reason and the voice that can’t be reasoned with.

People have been telling me I’m ‘tiny’. I certainly don’t feel ‘tiny’. 100 pounds ago I was far from tiny. Comparatively, I guess I am kind of tiny now. But I still don’t believe I’m small. ‘I could be smaller’, the voice tells me.

I ‘feel’ happy and healthy. ‘I’m fit, not fat,’ I argue with the voice. Let’s be reasonable. I could go out and run 15 miles right now. I threw away all my ‘fat’ clothes. I wear running tights in public. But I look in the mirror and see a fat girl.

You can’t argue with facts — or can you?

Today I am 5’5” but unsure what I weigh. I stopped weighing when it began determining my mood every day.  I secretly wish I knew. The voice tells me it’s probably 150. My friends tell me it must be 120. I scoff at them, relishing the fact that they humor me. (The voice told me that’s all they’re doing.)

I’m a size 6-10 pants and normally a medium shirt, but I can also fit a small or a large depending on where I’m shopping. I’m a pear shape girl, holding weight in my thighs and rear-end. The voice has convinced me that I’m squeezing into a 6 or a small because of vanity sizing or manufacturer defect. I don’t argue, even though I threw away every size 12 in my closet last year.

The voice comes through in my actions:

I measure my waistline to see if I’ve gained weight. I threw away my scale years ago but I have found a way to become obsessed with numbers using measuring tape and a spreadsheet. I have researched celebrities’ numbers to see how I measure up, only to feel depressed that my thighs are as big as their waistlines.

I scrutinize pictures of myself to see if I have gained weight since the picture was taken, or if I’m any thinner than I once was.

I compare myself to my friends. I fluctuate wildly between being proud of them, happy for them, and supporting them in their weight loss journeys — and hating them because they’re thinner than I am.

I check mirror all the time. I turn to the side and wonder if I look fat. I try on 4 different outfits in the morning to see which one is the most flattering.

I obsess over the extra flab around my middle. I sulk in the fact that I’ll never wear a bikini or a sport top or want my picture taken having fun on a beach.

Reality Check

However, with all the faults that I find in myself, I’ve grown in many ways as well. The kinder, gentler voice of reason is surfacing and stuffing the negativity down a little further with every accomplishment.

‘What’s my life like?’ I ask myself in my own voice, knowing that’s more important than how I look.

I smile at strangers. I’m confident enough to speak to a room full of people. I am not afraid to go out and be social and befriend people. I take on challenges in the workplace. I ran a marathon. I share my story and encourage others to be the best they can be. I am starting to understand that it doesn’t matter what I weigh or what I look like. All I can do today is strive to be better than I was yesterday.

As I reason with the voice, I am finding more reasons to live life to the fullest.

3 Meals, 2 Snacks? Not So Fast…

via Runners World/ John Bingham

I AM A RUNNER because my runs have names. I do tempo runs and threshold runs and fartlek runs. I do long, slow runs and track workouts. My runs are defined, even if my abs are not.

I AM A RUNNER because my shoes are training equipment, not a fashion statement. The best shoe for me is the one that makes me a better runner. I choose the shoe that goes with my running mechanics, not my running outfit.

I AM A RUNNER because I don’t have running outfits. I have technical shirts and shorts and socks. I have apparel that enhances the experience of running by allowing me to run comfortably. I can say “Coolmax” and “Gore-Tex” in the same sentence and know which does what.

I AM A RUNNER because I know what effort feels like, and I embrace it. I know when I’m pushing the limits of my comfort and why I’m doing it. I know that heavy breathing and an accelerated heart rate—things I once avoided—are necessary if I want to be a better runner.

I AM A RUNNER because I value and respect my body. It will whisper to me when I’ve done too much. And if I choose to listen to that whisper, my body won’t have to scream in pain later on.

I AM A RUNNER because I am willing to lay it all on the line. I know that every finish line has the potential to lift my spirits to new highs or devastate me, yet I line up anyway.

I AM A RUNNER because I know that despite my best efforts, I will always want more from myself. I will always want to know my limits so that I can exceed them.

I AM A RUNNER because I run. Not because I run fast. Not because I run far.

I AM A RUNNER because I say I am. And no one can tell me I’m not.

Check me out at the Winterfest 5k race in Lake Geneva. This race was intense yet fun! Check out the recap on FitMilwaukee.com.

Join me on a trip down memory lane… my weight loss journey throughout the years. Some of these stories and pics may be shocking. All of them are real.

The year is 1994. Behold, 14 year old Anne. This picture was taken in France, where I felt like the largest 14 year old (and typical fat American) the French had ever seen.

1999: I am pictured below with my high school boyfriend, Don. Our high school experience was this: skip school, eat McDonalds, smoke weed, drink, party, repeat. I barely graduated.

2000: After graduation I pretty much did lots of partying. In this next pic I was probably high on something, and getting up at 5am at someone else’s house to go directly to my first shift job (which I eventually got fired from) on 2 hours sleep. I had some luck with weight loss for about 3 months, and then I forgot that I cared about that and gained it all back, plus some.

2002: Look mom! I’m so coooool. I drink beer and I have money that I spend on beer and drugs! Let’s party!

2003: Here’s a shocking one. All the partying kind of caught up with me. I was depressed and lazy and couldn’t find a decent job. I’m at my highest weight in this pic: 238 (and there’s more of me hidden behind that wall!). Thanks, fourth meal!

2003: I’m pretty big here but at the time I didn’t care too much at this point. I frequently ate two big macs in one sitting.

2004: I decided to do something about it after Don (the high school bf) drove off into the sunset with his new girlfriend. I began to diet and exercise. I joined Weight Watchers. Eventually I was successful. I’m pictured below at about 180, with my cousin Lindsay.

2004: I got down to 142! I was SO thrilled to have lost so much weight in about a year. I was living with my cousin Jesse (pictured) and she endured me crying time after time about how frustrated I was. I was struggling to hold on to 142 with all my might. I tried not eating, I tried puking, I tried Overeaters Anonymous, I wrote down every morsel, I went out with friends and didn’t order anything, I binged all the time, and somehow, she was always there to listen and support. Looking back on it, thank God for Jesse reminding me that I’m normal and what I was feeling was okay and that I’m beautiful and loved no matter what. <3

2004: Woops, started gaining back already. I was really super-obsessed with losing weight, so much so that I dumped Julian (pictured) to ‘focus on my diet’. Yeah, really.

2005: Then I lost and gained over the next few years… down

2006: (pic-me and Kim trying on ‘Grandma clothes at Walmart’)… up

2007: Gaining a bit, but not enough to be too worried about it… (down? up? I stopped weighing myself, so I have no idea what I weighed in these)

2008: And gained more and more! Are you exhausted? I am!

2008: I began dating Tom in 2004 and he witnessed much of this yoyoing. He has been a wonderful support to me through all of it, loving me no matter what I weigh. He’s an amazing guy.

2008: My friend Kate made this purple dress for me for our friends wedding. When I saw it on the hanger when she was finished, I was in awe of how beautiful it was…  but I realized: That’s a LOT of fabric. Surely I’m not THAT big. I had to do something about it… But all I was doing was drowning it in drugs and alcohol.

2009: I FINALLY decided enough is enough and I started again. Only this time it was different. I wasn’t in it to ‘get skinny’ (thought that would be nice). I just wanted to be happy, and fit, and maybe run again. I quit drinking. I got a personal trainer. I surrounded myself with support. And I ran a marathon.

2010: Twitter helped me turn my life around. With encouragement from friends on Twitter and Dailymile, I lost nearly 100 lbs. I’m honest with you and I’m honest with myself. How much do I weigh? I don’t know. I don’t weigh myself anymore. But you can tell from the pictures below, I am HAPPY.

With my sisters Beth and Kim! I can hardly believe I can borrow clothes from them now :)

Finally fit into that LBD! Tom and I on our 5 year anniversary.

Here I am with my Twitter friends (note: I’m tweeting at a tweetup!)

thatgirlnamedsmash asked: Why so sad in your GPOYW?

I have to say goodbye to a dear friend. I’m going to tell you all about it once I get through it. <3 Thanks for asking :)

GPOYW: Extreme sadface. :’-(

I started reading a book last night. I’m 100% positive that fate led me to the book.

Let’s back up a bit.

The other day I was reading my friend Megan’s blog. She wrote about her ‘Nerd Alert’ and posed this question at the end of her blog…

“What signals your nerd alert? Figure it out. It says something about you and your passion in life.”

My nerd alert, I commented on her post, is triggered by hearing about people who have done the unthinkable: they climbed Mount Everest or survived harsh climates or ran an ultra-marathon. To me, these are remarkable accomplishments, tests of physical and mental fortitude.

I sat in a booth at Mulligan’s a few days later and chatted with Chris Ponteri, race director for the Instep Icebreaker Indoor Marathon. He told me the story of Dana Schulz, who had to drop out of the race when he was in the lead with only a few miles left. If he hadn’t, he would have hurt his chances of running Boston in a few months. He made a tough, smart choice.

I went into full nerd alert mode and relayed to Chris a comparison I often make: running and Mount Everest. I explained the ‘Everest’ series on the Discovery Channel. The show features a group of people who dream big, save up their money, and swallow their fears to climb the highest peak in the world. They are away from their families for months as they climb from camp to camp, assimilating their way up the mountain. There is an ever-present danger that they’ll run out of oxygen or get altitude sickness or suffer a pulmonary embolism, not to mention suffering through extreme weather and risking frostbite, day after wind-whipped day.

While watching that show I realized that sometimes it takes MORE courage to turn back than it does to finish. Climbers turning back from the summit watch the rest of their group complete the climb. They make a tough, smart choice to return to safety in order to climb another day.

Running is very much like this. When athletes suffer an illness or injury it messes with our heads. It hurts almost as much to listen to our body and rest, or turn away from a win like Dana did. But it’s better for us in the end.

Anyway, the book: ‘My Life on the Run’ by Bart Yasso. Becky (my new boss for my coaching gig with Team Challenge) lent it to me after she piqued my interest with some funny stories from the book when we first met.

I was talking to Becky again at the Expo on Saturday, telling her about how I changed my life with running. I told her how I used to do drugs and drink and was generally a different person — a blur of bad choices and negativity. I told her how running inspires something in me, brings out my passion, ignites me to help others.

Then last night I start reading this book. Imagine my surprise to read in the first chapter or two that Yasso faced many of the same challenges. He went through a 7 year drug and alcohol blur, and came out of it due to running.

And he climbed mountains. And turned away from summits due to illness. And boatloads of other amazing, nerd-alert triggering accomplishments that I’ve yet to read about.

“Never limit where running can take you”!

My reply: “Okay Bart, I wont! You overcame addiction, you wrote a book, you climbed mountains, you direct races, you work for a magazine, you’re one of the biggest names in running today! I can do all those things too if I want!”

Total nerd alert.

The book’s principles (and running) are going to help lead me to whatever great thing I’m going to do next. I don’t know what it is, but I know that if I keep doing what I’m doing, that great thing will fall in my lap as an opportunity.

And I won’t miss out on it. I promise.

Look how far we (‘we’ being everyone who ran throughout the 2 days) made it around Wisconsin! This was at the last hour of the expo :) Maybe next year we’ll make it all 1400 miles. Thanks for playing Karla, Rochelle, and Amy!

Amy Kant, Rochelle Van Hart, & I about 1hr 45minutes in to our treadmill workout at the 2nd Annual MultiSport, Cycling & Running Expo - Milwaukee, WI.

My near two-hour treadmill run would not have been possible without friends Amy and Rochelle by my side. We were participating in a ‘Run Around Wisconsin’ on 6 treadmills that are running the entire span of the RACC MultiSport Expo with the goal of circumnavigating our state. We had the first shift on Saturday morning. We had lots of visitors! I was hoping to keep a 9:00 mile pace but it felt better to fall back to like 6.0-6.5 mi/hr. After the run I stayed to work the expo, but I didn’t eat enough after my run, leaving me with a crippling headache late in the day. I slept it off this evening and feel pretty good. I’ll be there again Sunday :)

The Runner’s World Complete Book of Running

… and how you can do one too!

thatgirlnamedsmash:

notgivingup:imoverweighting:gettingthereasfastasican:underneaththeresgold:fuckyeahyellow:mighty2save:here.

My motto. Love it.

Feeling a bit downtrodden about my progress tonight. Perhaps I should remember how far I’ve come. Pic taken July 2008.

GPOYW: I’m totally one of those people. Laugh if you must!