I can’t really explain it, but I’m going through a period of change. It’s mostly about allowing myself to be who I am, to like who and what I like and not like things for the sake of liking them, and to expand what I currently think makes me happy and find out what really does. It’s a time for me to stop trying to be someone I’m not just because I think I ‘should’ be a certain way. It’s a time for change in the form of learning to love who I am.

1. I like what I like. I’ve been listening to R&B and hip hop as opposed to indie and rock like I usually do. Turns out I really like it… in the past I’ve dismissed it, ashamed to like it because it’s the ‘top 40’ or whatever. But I do, and that’s ok. I like what I like!
2. I’m poor. I’m the 99%. I don’t have a shitload of money for … well… anything. I don’t own a home, I have a crappy car, I shop at Aldi, my idea of going out to a nice dinner is BW3’s. I grew up in the ghetto. I went to public schools. I don’t have a college degree. It’s ok, though. Cuz I’m pretty happy most of the time. I don’t want much.
3. I’m a jogger. It’s been a long time coming, but after so many months of recovering from injuries and taking time off, I’ve decided I’m not going to try to run a bajillion miles a week. I ran into an old friend the other day, and they asked me if I was still running a bajillion miles a week, if I was still running as much as so-and-so, asked what my next marathon would be. I realized maybe I don’t want to do any of that. Maybe I don’t want to sign up for 20 races this year and fill up my calendar before the year even clicks over. Maybe I’m tired of being defined by the number of miles I run. Even if I was the only one defining myself.
4. I’m a little bit fat. I look at old pictures of me, from 3 years ago when I lost all that weight. I was thin! It was fun! I was cute! But right now, I’m a little bit fat. So-the-fuck-what. Most of my jeans fit most of the time, and I’m cool with it. I like cookies, ok?
5. Speaking of jeans. I don’t have a lot of nice clothes or dresses or shoes or coats or even good taste to know WHAT to buy if I can afford to go shopping. I wear jeans, tshirts, and cardigans. I have regular, boring hair, and I don’t know how to apply makeup and I am not really sure what looks good on me, or if I can pull off whatever trend is happening, or even WHAT the trend is. That’s just who I am. I’m embracing it.
6. Considering a family. For a long time, I’ve been dismissing marriage and children as something I won’t do, don’t want to do, can’t do, or don’t deserve to do. But now… I want to get married. I might even want kids. I might want to at least decide soon. I might not be scared to take those kinds of plunges anymore. I mean, look at some of the idiots out there that are parents! Anyone can do it!
7. Respect myself. I have made some pretty dumb decisions in the past year or two. It shaped me, for sure… now I know who I’m not. I see the holes it left in me, the pain it caused, and it allowed me to open up my eyes to being honest with myself. I had to worry, I had to hide, for so long… I am done doing that.
8. Loosening the reigns. In the past I’ve been very strict about not doing the things I said I wasn’t going to do… for example, gambling. I defined myself as ‘I don’t gamble.’ But I went to Vegas this month and I put $14 on some slot machines and lost it all and it was FUN! I bought happiness. SO THERE.

There’s probably more… stay tuned.